What I wish I had known before motherhood

What I wish I had known before motherhood

As a pediatrician I have the privilege of walking with new parents over and over again. Parenthood is an amazing gift from God and I have been blessed to have three children of my own. Every time I have a new mom in my practice I inevitably reflect on my own experiences as a new mom. When I had my first child I was a resident, or physician in training. Pregnancy was difficult for me as I suffered from severe nausea and morning sickness throughout my first 18 weeks while having to work 80 hours a week. I had a mix of feelings, both anticipation as well as fear and anxiety…would I be able to breastfeed? Would my child be healthy? Would my performance as a trainee suffer? How would I manage the demands of residency and parenthood? And most of all…would my daughter recognize me? Looking back this seems irrational, but it was a real fear of mine with all the hours I had to work. I remember the first day back to work when she was just 5 weeks old, lugging my pump equipment, kissing her goodbye and crying the whole drive fearing that I would be replaced by my nanny.

I understand the difficulty of being torn between motherhood and career and feeling like a failure at both. It is an impossible standard that we as moms hold ourselves to. Now that my oldest is 11, I can look back on those early years of motherhood and smile. We got through it. My daughter is well adjusted and we have a great relationship. But I know all too well the feeling of exhaustion and anxiety as a new mom. Here are a few things I wish I knew going into this journey.

Taking care of newborns is HARD. I spent a lot of time worrying about childbirth and delivery – which was definitely hard, but only a tiny speck of time compared to the time spent breastfeeding, rocking a fussy baby, and feeling completely incompetent with every new stage.

I never knew the feeling of complete helplessness more than when my tiny (all my babies were tiny) jaundiced baby couldn’t latch and I felt like I was spending every waking moment either attempting breastfeeding or pumping. Spending the first few nights of her life in the hospital under phototherapy didn’t help either. I know now that God gave me that experience so that I can relate to moms going through similar situations. I still get teary eyed when I talk to moms who are struggling with breastfeeding, exhaustion, jaundice and a fussy baby because I remember how hard it was.

Turn off the noise. It wasn’t as bad when I was a new mom, but these days it feels like there is a constant stream of information and opinions about how to mother your child. Influencers, experts, or any random mom who made a clever tiktok is taking the right to speak into your life. Resist this! God made mothers long before social media was there to tell them how to do it. We all need a tribe, but don’t let any stranger dictate what you do just because they have a lot of followers. Sleep training? Baby led weaning? Managing toddler tantrums? Organizing your playroom? Vaccines? I find that leaning into this noise of opinions leads to fear and feelings of inadequacy. Find a few people you trust to speak into you. Trust your instincts and God-given ability to be a mother to your unique child. 

Mom guilt. I continue to struggle with this. As humans we are imperfect people. We make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them. But we can’t go back and change the past. One example of many – I wish I would have been more intentional about nutrition when my kids were younger. It got pushed to the back burner and to be fully transparent I was ignorant of the impact that nutrition has on children’s health (I know, shocking as a pediatrician in training but that’s a topic for another blog). I can’t help but feel the sting of my daughter’s words when she half-joked that “maybe it would’ve been easier to get the boys to eat healthier if you had done that from the beginning!”...As my kids say now – *roast* Not gonna lie…those words sting because they are true. There are many things I know I could have done better. But I find peace knowing that even if I don’t know what I am doing some days, I trust that God does and he loves my children more than I do. 

All that to say, as a pediatrician it has been such an honor and privilege to walk with parents through their ups and downs. To support and be a sounding board for them. To celebrate the wins. To empathize when things are hard. To help them turn off the noise and focus on what they feel called to do to keep their children healthy. I am thankful that direct primary care allows me to do this. To all those doing the hardest but the most important job in the world, I am here for you.

Dr. Christy